Carmela David: On Being Selfish

carmela:

I’ve heard it from my own mother. I’ve heard it from my own sister. I’ve even heard it from a past lover and all the other ones before that. And now, I finally have the clarity and courage as I say it myself, “I am selfish.”

I may no longer wish for rock bottom since I felt the endpoint at one instant. I no longer feel like I am in a downward spiral because finally, things are starting to look up as I finally found the initiative to act upon them. Well, at least in a certain aspect of my life.

Therein lies the rub: just like any other walk in life of a non-super-woman, we tend to lose balance of things. One aspect of life becomes greater of a priority, while the others suffer the consequences. And when this happens, I take a step back, a step further, and compare the two people I could become – the one who reaches success and the failure.

Skepticism of my own character and attitude in life starts to rush as I start questioning myself left and right. There are only certain things, if any, that I will consider defeat. The type of person that I am compels me to leave no room for error. Most of all, I strive to get everything I want. I have to get everything I want. I hunger for that. I thirst for that. And if that’s a little selfish, then I guess I am selfish.

But is it wrong to want more for myself? Is it a crime to learn to love myself a little bit more? Is it sinful to believe that being selfish is not always being corrupt, as opposed to being selfless, the ideal trait everybody wants to see? But let me tell you something. I’ve always liked the view in the driver’s seat. I’d be more than happy to take the wheel, as opposed to sit in the back seat where I have no control of my direction. Once again, is that selfish?

I read one of my favorite writer’s recent pieces, in which she said, “For the longest time, I had trouble accepting that being selfish also meant taking care of yourself – preparing yourself to be able to be selfless for the people who matter to you the most. Let’s face it, who would want to be taken care of a person who was incapable of taking care of them selves?” - Joyce

If we’ve all been selfish before, I am sure we’ve all had our share of being selfless as well. I’ve always been the one to lock away my problems when I am with others, whether they’re family, friends or even significant others, and open the vault only when I am alone. As easy as it may seem to write my feelings down on paper for the entire world wide web to see, I find it most difficult to express them with the people closest to me. Ironic, isn’t it?

While I keep it to myself, I’ve also allowed myself to accept and be open to others, letting people come to me, trusting that I can somehow fix their own problems. And with the help of the mask I wear, nobody has a damn clue of what I am going through. And while this masquerade ball goes on, my own vault fills and it gets out of hand.

But even after realizing that, I keep dancing like I didn’t notice.

I am slowly realizing that the world isn’t my burden. I am no superhero and I can’t tend to other people’s problems before mine. I can’t work day in and day out, watching over everyone while I fail to save some for myself. I can’t leave myself in the shadows just because I don’t want to seem selfish in other people’s eyes when it’s my turn for the spotlight.

If wanting more for myself is an act of selfishness, then I am selfish. But I have to take the chance of finding a way to my own happiness. I’ve also realized that not everyone shares the same perception and not everyone will understand. And though it breaks my heart for breaking other people, I can’t allow myself to be stuck in the same rut when I know I am strong enough to rise above it. I had to make a decision. I can’t settle. I won’t settle.

I might be selfish, but I am not a bad person. I just need to focus on myself and my sake only. I’ve realized that I’ve been selling myself short of what I truly deserve for the longest time. Not only love from others, but most importantly, I’ve been depriving love for myself. It’s about time to take regard of just me and the things I need to accomplish. And while I live my life this way, needing the time to find myself and to find my own happiness, I just hope that people will remember the times I didn’t for their sake.

“I’m being selfish to be selfless to the ones that already see me as something worth in their lives and ultimately, for the ones who remember the selfless when I’m being selfish.” - Joyce